14 July

I read Count Binface’s policies today. Some of my favourites: - people who use speakerphone on public transport shall be forced to join the army. Or to watch the film version of Cats - he wants the UK to build at least one affordable home - “cut your taxes. Raise everybody else’s” - nationalise Adele - a referendum on holding a referendum on holding a second referendum on Brexit - water company bosses to be forced to swim in English rivers - National Yorkshire Pudding Day to be a bank holiday, except for banks - shops that play Christmas music before Christmas to be closed and turned into public libraries - loud snacks to be banned in theatres - the hand dryer in the men’s toilets at the Crown and Treaty pub, Uxbridge, to be moved to a more sensible position.